Something from Psalms

Every once in a while, i come across something in The Bible that feels as if it's been placed there just for me. Here's the latest, from Psalms Chapter 9:

13-14 Be kind to me, God;
I've been kicked around long enough.
Once you've pulled me back
from the gates of death,
I'll write the book on Hallelujahs;
on the corner of Main and First
I'll hold a street meeting;
I'll be the song leader; we'll fill the air
with salvation songs.

I still have moments when i feel overwhelmed by everything my Heavenly Father has done for me. So-called Pastors and Godly men who kicked me with their words and deeds have all been silenced, and tossed aside. Doctors who diagnosed that i wasn't going to live still echoes within me. Hearing how i would require 24/7 care can cause me to tear up when i think about it for more than a blink of the mind.

Not to turn all Jesus Jonesin' but, right here, right now, in this very moment, i am more than alive. All that i am is an animated anthem, aware that my Creator is singing a love song for me, to me, and thru me.

BibleGateway.com - Verse of the moment: Proverbs 17:9

⁹ Overlook an offense and bond a friendship;
fasten on to a slight and—good-bye, friend!

life abundantly

O this Love that i Live
i just cannot restrain It!
All this Joy in my heart
i just cannot contain It!

I'm Living
my Life in Love
I'm dancin'
2 God Above
He's given me Life!
Abundantly...

O this Life that i know
It is Truly God Given
O The Love
Flowin' round me
Life is Truly worth Livin'

I'm Living
my Life in Love
I'm dancin'
2 God Above
He's given me Life!
Abundantly...


-Let's dance!-

He Sets me Free!
He gives 2 me Life!
Abundantly...

I'm Living
my Life in Love
I'm dancin'
2 God Above
He's given me Life!
Abundantly...

John 8: 27-29

Needles - from my journal June 05 '06

I’ve been having to go to Elma on Mondays and get some bloodwork done, to determine how much bloodthinning medicine i should take for the bloodclot in my lung. The past Mondays, some gal has been The Keeper of the Needle, and she has stuck me in one vein, then had to go to another vein, and i’ve left there bruised before. Well, 2day i left bruiseless!
Sticking needles into my body has become the equivilent of putting contact lenses in my eyes. when i 1st had contacts, it was work, uncomfortable, and it took time to adjust. As time went by, i could stick my whole hand in my eye and it didn’t bother me. Needles have grown on me. I watch as they find their target, as the needle pricks its way into my vein, and then i watch the blood as it flows thru the hose and into the tube.
I think of the SNL skit when Steve Martin is hosting and he's the medieval village barber and doctor. Everyone who comes in to see him receives a good 'bleeding.' Leeches are prescribed to the sick and injured, while he takes a little off the top!
As Steve Martin once said; "Comedy is not pretty!"

from my journal Nov. 11 05 The Ex Factor

My sister had a concern about my ex-wife knowing what was happening with me, especially my aids diagnosis. There is a service available where once you’ve been identified with an infectious disease, you can turn in someones name and the Health District will contact that person and inform them that they are at risk. I wanted to do this with my ex, as i’ve had zero contact with her after she left the marriage, and i was happy with her decision. But, that was just a selfish idea. My sister helped me understand what a bad idea that was. So, she phoned my ex, whose response was more than i would ever had imagined. She cried, she told my sister to tell me she loved me and to give me a hug. As if i wasn’t sick enough - ugh!
Anyway. today, my sister said the ex called to say her tests had come back negative for hiv/aids. That was an answer to prayer! It’s bad enough to know somehow i've contacted this disease, but if i had found out i passed it on to someone, anyone, im not sure how i would have dealt.

From My Journal - The Day My Life Ended, i Just Didn't Die

October 5th, i woke up at 3 a.m. with my head feeling as if it were being pushed from the inside out. I finally phoned 911 and told them my name was Randy Butler, my job was on hold, and i had no insurance, but i needed help. The ambulance came and took me to Bellingham (Wa.) St. Joseph hospital. There, i was diagnosed with spinal meningitis and that it was a warning. I was asked if i had ever been tested for the hiv/aids virus. I never had, so they did the test. It took 10 - 14 days to get the results, but when they came back, the tests were positive. I had full-blown aids.
Not only was the Spinal meningitis effecting my body, i also had pneumonia, fungal infections, and pain everywhere. I was on so much morphine that my colon literally went to sleep and quit working. They called my sister, Lois, and she gave them consent to do surgery that wasnt a gurantee, but it was my best hope. Then, she and my brother-in-law, Ken, drove the five hour trip to be with me, thinking it might be the last time they might ever see me.

1 night, my 1st week in the hospital, i started having breathing problems which turned out 2 b HEART FAILURE! I was in ICU for a week after that. It seemed as if 1 thing would cause a domino effect and complicate a different part of my body. The pneumonia became worse and the Dr.s went in and washed my lungs out and took biopsies, which showed there were no tumors, which was the 1st good news i had heard in a long time. Each day in ICU passed by slowly. I had difficulty keeping food down; my body was confused and i would regurgerate and/or explode the food out through my body. I didnt wanna eat because i was afraid of how sick i would become.
I remember early on that i thought chicken broth was pretty soothing, but even that caused me to throw-up one day, so, no more chicken broth has entered my lips since then.

The day i entered the hospital, i phoned my pastor from Blaine Assembly of God, Jim Chase. He met me here and was with me thru the initial tests, set-ups and prognosis. He contacted my sister, Lois, for me and she and Ken came up that afternoon. I did not realize how "touch-and-go" my situation was. I remember a Dr. did a spinal tap on me to relieve the fluid that was causing my headaches, and that brought some relief. My mind gets muddled and i don't remember what happened when and how it effected the next complication.All i do remember is feeling sick! So sick, every particle of my being was crying out in pain, from my headaches to the back of my neck; my chest, my breathing, no digestive control, blood clots in my legs, swollen ankles, high-burning fevers - even my Doctor said afterwards that she was worried i wasn't going to make it.

The days waiting for my HIV/AIDS test to come back were hell! Dr. Bizzer, the Dr. in charge of the HIV/AIDS treatment, said she was certain the results would come back positive. Those were slow moving days.
One night, a nurse or nurses aide, came in and told me that my tests had come back negative! I was so happy! But, she had told me too late in the night to call anyone and share the news. Later, she came in and apologized, saying she didn't know she wasn't supposed to discuss test results with patients, and that my test results weren't even in afterall. Just another difficult night.

An Open Letter To WHomever - sing my song

It's much easier to
join the masses
than to rise
and sing my song

Yet my heart is stroked
like David's harp
as others
join along

I'll never demand
I'll only invite
I'll share how GOD's Love
has sparked in my life
if you'd like

i'm probably just amazed as you
i've lived thru the blur of
what's false and what's true

and i know what i say
might not agree with you
but i promise i'll listen
and always love you
never leave you or judge you
because you are you...

... i'm just saying.
it's not always easy to sing my song

(* inspired by the weirdest day i've experienced since i've been off morphine!)